So, it finally happened – you got the boot at work. Either that or you gave work the boot. Whichever it is, I would like to congratulate you. No longer do you have to put up with your jobsworth supervisors, pointless meetings, boring tasks, suits, ties, leveraging, dialog, touching base, synergy, brand strengthening, solutions and pretending to care about some company’s profits. Now you’ve been offered a slice of freedom. Now you have to make some choices. Are you going to reluctantly accept the weeniest slice and spend your free time brushing up on your resume, calling up all your ‘contacts’ and brown nosing everyone you can for a chance to get straight back into the rat race? Or are you going to grab the box with every slice in it, lock the door, close the curtains and spread out on the couch?
That is, of course, assuming that you have a couch. When it comes to being a couch potato, potatoes are optional, couches are high priority. Ideally you want something that is going to be able to put up with you slobbing around on it for weeks, months, perhaps years. Something with stain-resistant, anti-microbial fabric which won’t smell like a dead dog after you’ve used it a few times. Comfort is paramount, as is size – get a couch as big as you can. You’re not just going to be sitting on it. You’re going to be sleeping, eating, playing… living on it.
Once you’ve got your couch delivered, you need to get someone over to do a little work to your front door. You need to have a letterbox fitted, or if you have one already, you probably need it widened. Ideally so it’s just slightly larger than an 18-inch pizza box. Once this is done, get your couch pushed right up against the door. This way you know that nobody is going to be coming over and disturbing you as you wallow in the darkness, but you can get your pizza delivered and even give a tip without having to get up.
Now you’ll need extension cables. These are for the appliances you’ll need at hand. Of course, everyone knows that couch potatoes need a TV (preferably with a massive HD screen, surround sound etc.), Netflix and online gaming. But did you know that serious couch potatoes will move every appliance they can to within close proximity of the couch? That’s right – the fridge, telephone, microwave – you name it. You won’t need to be visiting those other rooms in your house ever again! Heck – you could even rent those rooms out and say goodbye to ever having to get a job again! Awesome!
As we have seen, the staple food of the couch potato is pizza, usually consumed along with a soda or beer. More sophisticated couch potatoes also enjoy microwaveable meals and instant noodles, and those who have really mastered the lifestyle enjoy a rich cuisine with the help of a toaster oven. That’s right – everything from toasted mayo sandwiches to maple waffles can be on your menu every day, provided you order the right oven. Check out Our Toaster Oven Site for some inspiration!
Next, you want to adjust your phone settings. You’ll be needing this close by for whenever you want to order food or call up your former colleagues as they just fought their way into work through the Monday morning traffic so you can casually let them know how you’ve been playing Call Of Duty all night while stuffing your face with nachos and champagne and now you’re ready for a good, long sleep. You don’t, however, want people to be unnecessarily bothering you. There’s little that could be more infuriating than a call from your landlord interrupting your afternoon slumber just to bother you with demands for rent or something. So you want to set all incoming calls to go straight to answerphone, and for it all to happen on a low volume.
The couch potato lifestyle can be extremely rewarding. Just think of all that stress and anxiety you are evading every single day. No sitting around in traffic, no pretending to be listening, no passive-aggressive appraisals – no need for therapy! Instead, you’ve managed to provide all your needs, keep yourself warm and with a full belly, all without sustaining any damage to your self-esteem!
Of course, this lifestyle isn’t for everyone. There are some people who just can’t be happy without having others around them to bother. Some like to ‘get out there’ and show off their things – swanky cars, Rolexes, the latest gadgets. If that’s you, you’re probably not going to make it as a couch potato. But you’ll never know for sure until you try.